Despite the risk of sounding self-serving, I would argue that print newspapers are a vital part of our society.

They’re the media’s equivalent of Cheerios: timeless, easy to swallow, fun to throw and available in as many varieties as there are taste buds. Modern technology glorifies the interactive immediacy of online news sources, and with good reason. If the McIntosh Trail website is any indicator, online media is not only revolutionary, but also fantastically flooded with possibilities. However, what seems to have been forgotten in these tumultuous times is that print papers can be all that and more.

A newspaper will be your friend when nothing else will. It will happily accompany you on long car rides, long plane rides or long trips to the bathroom. It will be there for you in the early morning when your hair looks like a squirrel’s nest and even when you’re in the mood for politics, the classified ads or the obituaries (it happens). The print paper never runs out of batteries like a laptop or tablet will, which means that the likelihood of you ever feeling the need to yell at it or give it shaken-baby syndrome is exceptionally low. Plus, neither of those responses to frustration will harm your paper. It will simply lay there until your ears have ceased emitting smoke and you are ready to try again.

Reading a print newspaper provides you with full immersion in whatever story strikes your fancy. The number of distractions in print media is significantly lower than those on the Internet. Even the New York Times’ website’s famed “Snowfall” report cannot match the intense absorption caused by the “newspaper tent effect.” Crisp newspaper tents are also a proven way to avoid awkward social encounters. Few people will have the desire to approach a someone who is using the business section to shield her facial features. The world news section works equally well: You will appear to be intelligent and well-informed, if not altogether pompous, and no one will dare to start a conversation with you. It’s much more difficult to hide behind a laptop or tablet; their sleek designs and confined builds make it impossible to completely retreat from view.

Along those lines, newspapers are the humanitarian’s best friend.

They provide cheap blankets and fire kindling, and the more creative types have discovered a way to fold them to make these exotic little hats that look like boats. All these products may then be donated to others for use as shelter, warmth and clothing. It isn’t even necessary to be finished reading the articles, as two out of three of these transformations can be undone on a whim, allowing the recipient to get a thorough briefing on the state of society.

Of course, not all activities that can be done with newspapers are so flexible. Historically, newspapers have been used as the papier part of papier mache and as liners in the bottom of cages for various household pets. There have been no reports of electronic devices being nearly as practical, but for Apples’ sake, hopefully people will find it in them to be more inventive in the future.

At this point, it feels important to attest to the readability and superior quality of print newspapers. Best Buy often mentions the perk of obtaining a warranty with your purchase of various gadgets. Newspaper companies take it a step further. Not only are newspapers inexpensive, but also they come with the added comfort of knowing that everything featured in each issue has traveled the ranks of proofreaders and editors before hitting the “Ready Copy” pile. That means that errors are fewer and when errors do occur, a retraction can be printed in the next issue. Internet news sites rarely ever have the courtesy to admit mistakes.

At the end of the day, newspapers are old and easily wrinkled. They are the original portable news source, instantly connecting readers to the rest of the world. And, believe it or not, they have an enormous amount of personality. Take that, naysayers.