The following article appeared in our “April Fool’s” print issue on 29 March 2013. I have posted it here for anyone who wants to read it and have a laugh- please know that everything in this article is completely made-up.
Halo 4 has been a huge success, so it’s no surprise that Halo 5 is already in the works. The next installment of the beloved sci-fi action franchise, which is shaping up to be an interesting departure from the other Halo games, is depicted below.
Following the events of Halo 4, Master Chief has decided to retire at the Shadypines Intergalactic Community Home, where he enjoys playing golf and helping old ladies cross the street. Just when the Chief is beginning to enjoy his new lifestyle, however, Captain Thomas Lasky appears to inform him that the evil Didact has returned with a vengeance.
Humanity faces a threat greater than any it has faced before- the Didact plans to capture all of mankind and force everyone to listen to endless loops of Rebecca Black’s song “Friday.” To prevent the Didact from achieving his horrible goal, Master Chief must come out of retirement and team up with the Arbiter, Sgt. Johnson, and others to prove that love conquers all. The game has an all-star cast of Nicolas Cage as Master Chief, Helen Mirren as the Didact, Samuel L. Jackson as Captain Lasky, Orlando Bloom as the Arbiter, Josh Hutcherson as Sgt. Johnson, and Christopher Walken as Cortana.
Halo 5 is being developed by 343 Industries, which has now been bought out by Disney. As such, the game will have a focus on being very family friendly; for example, to combat the Didact and his minions, Master Chief and his friends will often take a break from combat to sing about good morals. The game will feature an original soundtrack with songs including “Under the UNSC Infinity,” “The Grunt Who Stole Christmas,” “The Didact’s New Groove,” “I’ll Make a Lasky Out of You,” “Hakuna Cortana” and a new song by Randy Newman entitled “I’ve Got the Chief With Me.” Crank O’Fonnor, the director of the Halo franchise, said, “We’re very excited to take the Halo franchise in a new direction. By making it more child-oriented, we hope to create a Halo game that people of all ages can enjoy and sing along to. The folks at Disney will definitely do it justice, as they always do.”
To that end, Disney will be adding some interesting cameos to the Halo universe in this next game. While on his perilous mission, Master Chief will find help from some unexpected characters, like Mickey Mouse and Prince Charming. In addition, the Chief and his allies will have the power of the Force on their side by enlisting Jedi Master Obi-wan Kenobi (since Disney also owns Star Wars).
However, the Didact won’t be alone either; he will recruit the likes of Captain Hook and Darth Maul to aid him in his dark deeds. Thus, with a cast of colorful characters and a story filled with classic Disney moments, Halo 5 is going to be a happy showdown between good and evil which will ultimately teach the importance of honesty and brushing one’s teeth.
Halo 5 will be released later this year on the Xbox 1080. At the same time, Disneyland will open a new attraction called “Singing With Lasky,” a musical tie-in to the game which shows Thomas Lasky’s transformation from a battle-scarred cadet into a singing sensation whose musical beauty can touch even the Didact’s cold heart. Samuel L. Jackson makes his singing debut as Lasky in this amusement ride, which also stars Bruce Willis as Cadmon Lasky, Thomas’s brother.
